


The Power of Touch

by thatwriterlady



Series: 30 Day Writing Challenge 2016 [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 30 Day Writing Challenge 2016, Acceptance, Anthropopobia, Asperger's Syndrome, Caring, Extreme Phobia, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Love, M/M, Medical issues, Mention of past trauma, Protective Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2016-11-09
Packaged: 2018-08-30 12:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8532247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatwriterlady/pseuds/thatwriterlady
Summary: Cas is a little boy with a severe phobia when Dean first meets him, but as the years go by, he becomes Cas' lifeline to the outside world, and his best friend.  Somewhere along the line, Dean fell in love with him, and Cas did a little falling of his own.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, I know I am behind on posting, and I do apologize, but my health has not been well the last few days. I have extensive nerve damage in both hands and wrists and over the few years I've been dealing with more nerve issues in my right arm with the nerve that runs from my elbow to my hand. I broke that elbow back in '08 but didn't see a doctor for it (there was nothing that could have been done anyway), and for a while now I've been in need of a special kind of brace that won't let me hyperflex it, and will keep it from constantly dislocating, except I can't afford the brace, not when I have a million other bills to pay, so I've just suffered through the pain. The last few days the pain has been almost unbearable. On top of that, I've been having severe tremors on and off in my left hand, and mildly in my right, as well as weakness. Typing is literal torture. I've been taking much needed breaks, favoring my arm, and elevating it, which is helping. Not looking for pity, just explaining why I fell 3 days behind. I did get this one finished, finally, and so here you go. I will hopefully have the next one done soon. 
> 
> Ok, a little about this fic. There is mention of past trauma that Cas endured as a toddler, and it aggravated and already existing condition. This is what Cas has:
> 
> http://www.fearof.net/fear-of-people-phobia-anthropophobia/
> 
> https://www.verywell.com/anthropophobia-2671732
> 
> And he also has mild Asperger's. Those of you that have read my other pieces, you might remember that I have touched on this subject before. It is very near and dear to my heart as I have high functioning Asperger's, and so does my older daughter. My younger daughter is on the spectrum and has other related issues, like ODD, OCD, and ADD. I have OCD, ADD, moderate social anxiety, and severe general anxiety. Cas is high functioning here, and if you're familiar with Asperger's, you'll recognize the signs. If you are not, well, a lot of people with Asperger's, they depend on logic, on routine, on patterns. Disruptions in these patterns can trigger anxiety. Unpredictability can trigger it. And some people are much more sensitive than others.
> 
> Cas is based here on an actual person I know. A boy named Bobby, the son of my aunt's friend, that was born when I was about 7. There was a big deal after he was born because absolutely NO ONE could touch him aside from his mother and father. My family is very close and I spent a lot of time with my aunt, so I basically was growing up with Bobby. If you have never seen an infant having a panic attack, you're lucky. Bobby cried if other people got too close, or if anyone outside of his parents tried to hold him. They thought he would grow out of it but he didn't. It grew worse until they realized it was much more than just him being shy. He was diagnosed first I think with a disassociative disorder of some kind (this was a long time ago and diagnoses changed as time went on. He was diagnosed with severe anxiety, then with autism, then with social anxiety before he was finally diagnosed with Anthropophobia. They got him help with therapy and medication and he eventually was able to attend public school with the help of an aide, but that didn't last. He ended up homeschooled. His parents went on later to have twins and when his little brother Alan was 7, he died of a rare genetic heart condition, and that set Bobby back a lot. More therapy, more medication changes, and he eventually was able to have a normal(ish) life. He is married, or was, not sure if he still is. I haven't seen him in ages, but he was doing well the last time I heard. He still has issues, and he always will, but he deals and moves on. Cas is rather closely based on Bobby here. The only difference is that there was no trauma to trigger Bobby's. He was just that phobic. For those unfamiliar with Asperger's, you can check out these links:
> 
> https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/asperger-syndrome
> 
> https://www.reference.com/health/asperger-syndrome-a170135742d24760
> 
> I do hope that you like this story. Again, I'm sorry it was late in coming.

**_Day 9: Hugging_ **

 

Cas watched from behind the couch as his mother spoke to the lady at the door.  He knew she was a new neighbor, but she scared him.  Actually, all people scared him.  The lady with the long, blonde hair was pretty but that didn’t mean he wanted to say hi to her.  His mom wasn’t going to force him either.  The last time she’d tried that, it hadn’t ended well.  The door closed and he breathed a sigh of relief.  Until he saw the baby in his mother’s arms and the little boy she was holding by the hand.  He lifted his head a little higher to get a better look.  When his mother started walking into the room he lifted his eyes, meeting hers over the back of the couch.

 

“Honey, we are going to babysit today.  This is Dean and Sam Winchester.  They just moved into the house next door.”  His mother explained.  Cas’ eyes flickered back down to the boy standing next to his mom.  The boy was younger, maybe 5, with dirty blonde hair, dressed in a little polo shirt and khaki pants.  There was a tiny green alligator on his shirt.  He looked back up at his mother again.  She smiled, so sweetly that he forced his own fears aside and stood up.  That was the moment the other little boy noticed him.

 

“Hi, what’s your name?”  The little boy asked.

 

Cas looked at his mother who smiled reassuringly before meeting the boy’s wide, green eyed gaze.

 

“Cas.”  He whispered softly.  The boy pulled away from Rachel, Cas’ mother, and crawled up onto the couch.  He was almost nose to nose with Cas now.

 

“Your name is Cas?”

 

Cas nodded.

 

“I’m Dean.  I’m 5.  How old are you?”

 

“I’m 7.”

 

Dean smiled wide.

 

“Your mom says there are Legos to play wif.  You wanna build something wif me?”

 

Cas looked again to his mother who nodded.

 

“Dean and Sam will be here for the afternoon, while their mom, Mary runs some errands.”

 

Cas looked at Dean again, and the boy’s bright, friendly smile.  He wasn’t very scary.  Tentatively he dared to smile back.

 

“Ok.  I’ll get them out.” 

 

As he pulled out the giant container of Legos that his father had bought for him and his brother Gabe, he felt some of his anxiousness beginning to fade away.  Dean just wanted to play, and that was something he could do.

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

It was just shy of 3 hours later when someone rang the doorbell.  Cas had been building some kind of tower with Dean, having what was probably one of the best afternoons of his life with this boy who had suddenly become his new friend, and relaxing more than he could ever remember doing with someone new, but as the bell chimed through the room, he gasped and dove behind the couch.  With his heart racing, he felt someone drop down beside him.

 

“Why are you hiding back here?”  Dean asked.

 

Cas wanted to argue that he wasn’t hiding, but he really was.  He looked over at the younger boy whose face was so earnest and curious.

 

“People…scare me.”

 

Dean, to his surprise didn’t question that.  Instead he looped an arm around his new friend’s shoulder and smiled.

 

“It’s ok, Cas.  I keep Sammy safe.  I can keep you safe too.”

 

Cas wasn’t sure how this scrawny little boy with a face full of freckles and eyes the color of the leaves on the oak tree out back in the summer could possibly keep him safe but for some reason, he believed him.

 

“Dean?”

 

“I’m back here, keeping Cas safe!”  He called out. 

 

“My younger son Castiel has severe social anxiety.  When people come over, he panics and hides.”  Rachel was explaining to someone.

 

“Oh, I understand.  And I’m guess he and Dean are getting along well?”  The other person, a woman, asked.

 

“Oh they get along splendidly.  I didn’t think Legos could keep 2 little boys occupied as long as they have, but they did.  Dean is welcome to come over here any time he likes.  Cas…he doesn’t have too many friends.”  Rachel explained.

 

“Of course, and if he ever feels brave enough to venture over to our house, he’s welcome to come and play with Dean there too.  Dean has even more Legos, and Star Wars toys.”

 

Cas perked up and looked excitedly at Dean.  “You like Star Wars?”

 

“It’s my favoritest movie _ever_!”  Dean exclaimed.  Cas chewed nervously on his lower lip for a moment before standing up and poking his head over the back of the couch.  Only the top of his head and his eyes showed but he could see the woman standing with his mother, baby Sam now on her hip instead of his own mother’s.  It was the lady that had dropped the boys off earlier.  She smiled so warmly at him.

 

“You can come over tomorrow if you like, Cas.  Dean gets home from school at 11:30 and your mom can bring you over about 12.  If you’d like, you can have lunch with Dean.”  The lady said.  Cas looked at his mom and she could see the terror in his eyes.

 

“Would it be alright if I stayed with him while he’s there?  At least for the first few times he plays with Dean.  He doesn’t do well unless his brother, father or me are close by.”  Rachel asked. 

 

“Of course!  We can make a couple of pies while the boys are playing and you can take one home for your family.”

 

“What’s pie?”  Cas whispered.

 

“You never had pie?”  Dean had stood up and was still next to him.

 

“No, what is it?” 

 

“It’s better than cake and my mama makes ‘em with apple or cherry or pecans or-”

 

His mother laughed, interrupting him.

 

“Well, we’ll definitely make a pie for you to try tomorrow.” 

 

Dean came out from behind the couch when his mother held out her hand to him and he skipped over to her side to take it. 

 

“Come here, Cas.”  Dean held out his free hand to the boy and Cas eyed it for a moment before looking up to his own mother.  She smiled and nodded encouragingly to him.  Slowly he stepped out from behind the couch and made his way over to his mother.  He wrapped his arms around her leg and peered around it at the other woman. 

 

“My name is Mary.  It is very nice to meet you, Cas.”  The woman said.  He blinked and hugged his mother’s leg tighter.

 

“He’s shy.”  Rachel stroked her fingers through her son’s hair until he relaxed a bit. 

 

“There is nothing wrong with that.”  Mary shifted the squirming baby on her hip.  “Thank you again for watching the boys.  We’ll see you tomorrow at noon.  I have to get Sammy home and feed him, I swear the boy eats as much as his daddy!”

 

Rachel extracted herself from her son’s grasp in order to walk the woman and her boys to the door.  Cas followed at a distance.  At the door Dean turned to look at him.

 

“I can’t wait for you to come over and play tomorrow.  I have lots of toys to show you.”

 

“I-I want to see them.  Then maybe if you come over again I’ll show you mine too.”  Cas glanced nervously at his mother and Mary but Dean seemed excited.

 

“Yeah!  We’re gonna have fun!” 

 

Cas had a soft smile on his face as Mary and the boys left.  Once the door was closed Rachel turned to look at him.

 

“So, you like Dean?”

 

Cas nodded.  “He’s fun, and he likes to build stuff with Legos, and he likes cars.”  He came to life, excitedly pointing out the tower of Legos they’d been working on.

 

“That’s wonderful.  Would you like me to finish helping you build your tower?”  She asked.  He bounced up and down excitedly as he nodded.

 

“Yes!  I want to build it all the way to the sky!”  He exclaimed.  Rachel laughed as she went to sit on the floor with him.  Moments like this, when she got to really see her son’s personality shine through, these were favorite ones of all.

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

“So, can I ask what caused Cas’ anxiety?  I don’t want to be nosey, but I know Dean’s going to have a zillion questions.  And I want to make sure I don’t do or say anything to upset Cas.  I’d like for him to be friends with Dean.”  Mary was rolling out the crust for a pie while Rachel stirred sugar into the cherries currently bubbling in a pot on the stove.  The boys were upstairs playing in Dean’s room and Sam was asleep in his playpen in the living room, so they had the freedom to talk privately.

 

“He was always…different.  As a baby no one but his father or I could hold him.  It took until he was 2 before my parents could even touch him, and longer for Chuck’s parents.  Anyway, when Cas was 3 and Gabe was 5, there was a rash of break ins where we used to live.  Don’t worry, it’s safe here, but where we used to live, everyone was locking their houses up tight at night and so were we.  In April of that year Chuck and I woke up to the sound of our boys screaming.  It turned out someone had broken in, come in through the patio doors there.”  Rachel explained.

 

“Oh God…”  Mary looked up at her in horror but Rachel plowed on, wanting to finish the story before the boys came back down.

 

“They had done a good job of robbing us blind but Cas had woken up, having heard them, and one of them, they grabbed my little boy to shut him up and slammed him into the floor.  He screamed and that woke his brother who started screaming too.  Chuck grabbed his gun while I grabbed my phone.  He got a couple of shots off, clipping the bastard that was choking my 3 year old to silence him, and holding the 2 of them at gun point until the cops arrived.  My sweet baby, he went into shock.  We were at the hospital for days while he was sedated to get him to calm down.  He was never the same after that.  We had to sell the house and move, he almost had a heart attack when he tried to bring him back to the house.  We don’t do restaurants, shopping, none of that.  He can’t be in a public school.  I homeschool him.  He’s doing so much better though.  He warms up to people faster than he used to.  Last year, he wouldn’t have come out from behind the couch to meet you, and he would have hesitated for hours before even attempting to talk to Dean.  He does therapy twice a week and it took forever to get him to warm up to his therapist.  He still can’t sit alone with Dr. Wills, though.  I have to go in with him and sit in the corner.” 

 

Mary had moved the crust to a pie pan while she listened but as Rachel fell silent, she walked over to the other woman and wrapped her in a warm hug.

 

“I’m so sorry.  I’m glad none of you were hurt worse than that.”

 

Rachel turned the cherries off and hugged the other woman back.

 

“Thank you.  So am I.  The thieves were arrested and they’re spending a long time in prison.  The one that hurt Cas, he was charged with attempted murder after the police saw the bruises on his throat and face.  I’m glad.  I almost lost my baby.”  Her voice cracked and Mary hugged her tighter.

 

“He’s a wonderful little boy, and he has a loyal friend in Dean.”  Mary promised. 

 

“Good, he needs a friend.”  Rachel said.  She just wanted her little boy to grow up happy and accepted by society.  Having a real friend would be a great start.

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

“Why don’t you go to school?”  Dean asked.  Cas ducked his head as he focused on setting up the track for the matchbox cars they were trying to play with, but he never liked it when people asked him that question.  Dean seemed to understand that he was upset though.  He was rather intuitive for only being 5.

 

“It’s cause people scare you, right?” 

 

Cas peered up through his lashes and nodded.

 

“Do you know why people scare you?”

 

Cas nodded again.

 

Dean watched him for a long time before speaking again.

 

“Did something bad happen to you?”

 

Cas closed in on himself, huddling against the side of the bed and drawing his knees up to his chest.  He remembered what happened that night.  Forgetting the cars, Dean scooted across the floor until he was next to his friend.

 

“Do you need a hug?  My mom says sometimes we need hugs and they can make you feel better.  They make me feel better.”

 

Cas looked at him a moment before deciding that yes, he did need a hug.  He nodded.  A second later Dean was wrapping his arms around the older boy and squeezing.  His head came to rest on Cas’ shoulder.  Cas opened his arms and hugged him back.  Dean was right, he did feel better.

 

“Bad men broke into my house when I was little and one of them, he-he tried to hurt me real bad.” 

 

Dean didn’t look up, he just hugged the boy tighter.

 

“No bad men can get you now, Cas.  Your mommy and daddy keep you safe but no one’s gonna hurt you with me around.”

 

Cas felt a giggle bubbling up in his chest and it spilled out.

 

“You’re smaller than me, Dean.  How are you gonna keep me safe?”

 

Dean sat back to look at him, and there was a fierce determination in his eyes.

 

“Cause I’m strong and no one’s gonna mess with me.”

 

Cas smiled and reached out to pick up one of the cars.

 

“Ok.”

 

Dean grinned.  “We’re gonna have a race!”

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

**_13 Years Later~_ **

 

“We are going to the movies.  I got us tickets and we’re doing the early show.  Way fewer people.”  Dean was busy sorting through his backpack, looking for his history notebook while Cas watched him from his bed.

 

“W-what movie?” 

 

“That one you kept saying you wanted to go see.  The Harry Potter one.  Don’t shoot me for not remembering the name of it.  I just know you said you wanted to see it, so I got the first showing for Saturday.”  Dean located the notebook and pulled it out.  He tossed it on the bed and then dug around for his bag of pens.

 

“Oh, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them?”  Cas sat up, excited, his blue eyes wide and sparkling.

 

“Yep.  We’re going to have a blast.”  Dean grabbed the bag and flopped onto the bed next to his friend.

 

“Oh, I’m happy.  I’ve been wanting to see that really bad.”  Cas said, smiling.

 

“I know.”  Dean looked up at him and smiled back.  Not for the first time he was struck by just how handsome his friend was.  When Cas was genuinely happy like this, it made him even more beautiful.  His stomach twisted nervously as it always did when these thoughts popped into his head.  Cas didn’t show any particular interest in anyone, male or female.  Dean liked doing things for his friend though, like taking him to the movies.  It got Cas out of the house and it was the closest Dean could get to actually taking the guy on a date.  Hey, so he liked to imagine Cas was his in more ways than just as his friend.  So sue him!

 

Cas stretched out next to him and watched as he worked on his history homework. He’d graduated high school early and was actually almost finished with his BA in psychology, which he was earning online, but he liked helping Dean with his homework when needed. 

 

Cas had come a long way since Dean had come into his life.  He was still highly selective about who he socialized with, but thanks to Dean, Sam, and his brother Gabe, he’d made friends and even been on a few dates, though they had been rather disastrous.  He went out in public, sure, but he didn’t do well in crowds and he wasn’t talkative with people he didn’t know, so the few dates he’d been on, the girls had found him dull and second dates never happened.  Cas always seemed relieved by that.  To Dean it always seemed like his friend was only agreeing to them for the sake of pleasing their friend Charlie who always seemed to know _someone_ she felt Cas might like.

 

Dean enjoyed their time alone together, like now.  He liked going out places, sure, but he was happier when things were quiet and it was just the two of them, and when they did go out places he took care to make sure wherever they went was not crowded.  Cas was his priority.  Keeping his best friend safe and stress free was extremely important to him.  Downstairs something heavy fell, and it was quickly followed by the sound of Cas’ mom yelling at his brother.  Gabe was home for spring break from college and driving Rachel nuts.  Cas snickered and shook his head.

 

“I bet he was moving the couch again.  He gets her so mad when he does that.” 

 

“Why does he keep doing that?”  Dean scribbled down the answer to a question and moved on to the next one.  He was officially on spring break now too, but he wanted his homework done so he could concentrate on having some fun with Cas and their other friends.+

 

 

“Because he needs glasses but refuses to go get them.  So he scoots the couch closer.  Mom comes home, sees it moved and chews him out.”

 

Dean just shook his head and sighed.  Gabe was a real character.  He finished the last of his questions with Cas basically reading over his shoulder.  He didn’t mind though.  With that out of the way, he shoved it all back in his backpack.

 

“I have 2 months and I’m a graduate.  You going to come watch me get my diploma?”  He asked.  Cas visibly tensed.  Dean knew the idea of sitting in a crowded football stand was terrifying, but he had offered to have his mom livestream it so he could watch from the house if he didn’t think he could go.  Cas sat up.

 

“I am going.  I-I think I need to sit in the highest bleachers, because in my observations, those are usually the least filled, even at a sporting event.  Or if I can find a section that isn’t filled.  I need to stay with Mary and Sam though.  Is my mom going too?”

 

“I invited her and your dad.”  Dean replied. 

 

“Alright, then I would like to sit with them as well.  I _will_ be there for you, Dean.”  There was a determination in his voice that moved Dean.  There were few people he would go out of his way like this for, and Dean counted himself as lucky that Cas wanted to come.

 

“Good, cause it won’t be the same if I look up in the bleachers and you aren’t there.”

 

Cas’s smile was radiant, filled with the joy he felt when Dean included him in things.  He was so much happier nowadays than when they were little.  When they first me Cas had reminded him of a frightened little mouse, always scurrying about in the shadows and jumping at even the slightest of sounds.  Dean dared him to be brave though, and soon they were playing in the backyard, going to the park on days when it was less crowded or even empty, and going with their families to restaurants.  That one was tricky though.  If the restaurant was too crowded, he wouldn’t even get out of the car, but if it wasn’t, they would find a quiet booth way at the back where both families could sit together.  Cas would wedge himself between Gabe and Dean, the two people that did everything in their power to keep him safe without ever making him feel like there was something wrong with him, and up until a few years ago, as long as the server didn’t address him directly, he was fine.  After a formal diagnosis of Asperger’s at the age of 10 and then a diagnosis of Anthropophobia and a change in his medication combined with a new kind of therapy starting when he turned 12, things had started to really improve for his quality of life.  While he still couldn’t make eye contact with people in retail, servers at restaurants, or strangers in general, he could interact with them.  He went to the store occasionally on his own, even though he preferred to use self-check outs, he ordered for himself at restaurants, and he’d even gotten his driver’s license when Dean had gone to get his.  It was a long way from the terrified little boy he had once been.

 

“Dean, can I ask you a question?”

 

Dean had flopped onto his back on the bed but he turned his head to look at him.

 

“You know you can, so why even bother asking?”

 

Cas scooted a little closer, his expression so serious it was adorable.

 

“Why don’t you ever date?  I don’t think I’ve ever known you to have a girlfriend.”

 

Dean nibbled a bit at his lower lip, thinking of how best to answer that question.

 

“You like girls?”  He asked back instead. 

 

“I guess?  They’re alright.  I know, I should be lusting after them, fantasizing about their breasts and about vaginas but I’m just…not interested in that.”  Cas shrugged.

 

“Yeah, well, I’m not interested in them like that either.”  Dean had actually gone out on a few dates and figured out pretty quickly that boobs and vajayjays just weren’t his thing.  He just hadn’t told _Cas_ he’d gone out on dates, though he wasn’t really sure why he’d hidden that fact.

 

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, however I am worried that you might be upset with me.”  Cas fidgeted slightly, another sign that he was nervous.

 

“Cas, do you like guys?  Is that what you’re trying to get at?”

 

Those blue eyes widened so much it was almost comical.  Dean couldn’t help the chuckle that slid past his lips.

 

“It’s totally cool, Cas.  I…like guys too.”  He tried to make it sound as casual as possible, even though it felt like his heart was in his throat.  Cas was staring at him again.

 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”

 

“It never came up in conversation.  I never knew what you liked either, since the girls Charlie was setting you up with, you always seemed so uncomfortable with.”  Dean replied.

 

“That’s because I _was_ uncomfortable.  She is a bit too much for me at times, and she kept setting me up with girls that were like her.  I’m sure there are people out there that like the bubbly, talkative type girls, but I am not one of them.”  Cas sighed and stretched out beside Dean.  They were laying across the bed, their legs dangling so their feet brushed the floor.  Neither man was small, though Dean had managed to pass his friend up by a couple of inches last year.  Dean tucked his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling.  So Cas didn’t like girls.  He still hadn’t said he liked guys either.  Maybe the hope he’d been harboring that Cas could possibly like him in return as more than a friend was foolish.

 

“I told Charlie to lay off on the setups.  She didn’t realize how uncomfortable it makes you, but I did.  And the girls were snotty about it too.  I didn’t like that.”  Dean said.  Cas murmured an agreement.  They had definitely been snotty.

 

“I want to go on dates.”  Cas was staring at the ceiling too but his words caught Dean off guard.

 

“You kind of need someone to go on them with.”  Dean joked.  Cas huffed out a small laugh.

 

“No shit.  That’s why I said I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.  It’s been on my mind because I-I want intimacy, and I want trust, but it’s hard to have that.  Most of the people I know, they put me on edge.  Hell, even Gabe does that sometimes.  But I want dates, even if they’re a bit harder for me.  Movies, dinners, I know I’m fucked up, but I want what everyone else wants too.”  Cas took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly.  “I know I can’t do bars and clubs, or even those summer festivals, I feel like my heart wants to beat its way right out of my chest just thinking about going to places like that, but there’s still stuff I _can_ do.  However there’s only one person I feel comfortable doing those things with.”

 

Dean pulled his arms out from under his head and looked at him.

 

“What are you saying, Cas?”

 

“I am saying that I have been considering the people around me a lot this past year or so.  Seeing who I find physically attractive and whose personalities I feel most comfortable being around.  For instance, as I mentioned before, Charlie is pleasant, but in small doses.  Hours spent around her make me feel anxious, like I want to crawl out of my skin and escape.  It’s not that she’s annoying, it’s more like she’s too vivacious.  But I like her nonetheless.  Regardless of her preference for women, I just don’t find her physically appealing.  Then there’s Meg.  She is calmer and I can spent hours around her during which I am comfortable.  It took me a long time to understand her sense of humor but now that I get it, I find her quiet funny.  She’s very pretty too.”

 

Dean’s stomach fell and he swallowed hard as he turned his eyes back to the ceiling.  Oh.  He had been the one to introduce Cas to Meg 3 years earlier, and they had actually hit it off pretty quickly.  She had confessed to Charlie on more than one occasion that she liked Cas, despite his issues.  Dean didn’t think that would last though, not with her short temper.  And Cas would be the one hurt in the end.  Still, he couldn’t bring himself to speak.  He _hurt_ , more than he had expected he would.

 

“But I’m not attracted to her.  I thought I could be, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I’m not.  I just enjoy her company.  So I started looking at some of my other friends, like Garth and Balthazar.”  Cas said.  Dean was tense.  He knew he was, but he couldn’t handle the thought of Cas being attracted to anyone.  The jealousy coursing through him was bitter and painful.  Cas was still talking though, so he had to listen.

 

“Garth is nice, and very easy to get along with but I do not find him…sexually attractive.  Balthazar, I find him sexually attractive, to a point, but he is annoying, and I feel that sex with him would be anxiety inducing because he makes fun of me all the time.  Therefore I declined his offer to be my first.”

 

Dean shot up off the bed so fast it made Cas bounce.

 

“What the hell, Cas!”

 

Cas sat up on his elbows, a confused little furrow between his eyes making him even more adorable.  Dean was too angry though to acknowledge it.

 

“What?”

 

“Is that what you want?  Just a quick fuck?” 

 

Dean started pacing as Cas sat all the way up, his confusion growing.

 

“Dean-”

 

“Cas, you’re talking like you’ve been assessing all of your friends like they’re potential fuck buddies.  That’s pretty messed up.”  Dean knew his irritation was bleeding through in his voice but the idea that _this_ is what Cas had been thinking about lately, it pissed him off.  Especially since he hadn’t even been considered.

 

Dean didn’t want something casual though.  He’d been in love with his best friend since he’d first realized he felt something more than just friendship towards the blue eyed man who was now sliding off the bed until they were standing face to face.

 

“How well do you know me, Dean?  Casual sex?  I don’t even do casual acquaintances, why would you think I’d just want sleep with someone one time?  Do you understand the amount of trust I have to have in another person in order to open myself up like that?  No, I _don’t_ want casual sex, and I _don’t_ like being interrupted!”  Cas sounded just as irritated as he did now.  Dean’s jaw clenched so tight it was aching, but he kept it shut so he didn’t said something else that might piss Cas off.

 

“So he offered and I declined.  I am not attracted to him the way he says he is to me, and I do not like his level of flirting.  I’ve declined his offer twice now, and I will continue to do so.”  Cas returned to his spot on the bed leaving Dean standing there staring.  “It got me thinking though.  Because I found him attractive, but I didn’t find Meg to be, I turned to porn.”

 

“Oh geez…”  Dean groaned softly as he scrubbed a hand down his face.  Cas wasn’t fazed by his reaction though.  He continued on his mission to fill Dean in on all of his thoughts as of late.

 

“I found a few sites that offered it for free, but I was unknowledgeable in such matters and I got a virus on my laptop.  Charlie had to remove it.  She was kind enough to suggest some ways to watch it without getting a virus.  So I did.  I viewed several with a heterosexual couple and while they were interesting, I found them overall rather dull.  I came across a lesbian one but that was distressing.  Vaginas are quite…”  Cas shuddered.  “I don’t like looking at them.”

 

Dean snorted and gave up on being mad.  Cas had something to say, he might as well let him get it off his chest, even if his own heart ended up broken in the process.  He sat back down on the bed.

 

“Ok, vaginas are gross.  Then what?”

 

“Then I checked out gay porn.  _That_ was much more appealing.  I spoke with my therapist and he concluded that I am most likely homosexual.  And I am alright with that.  Does it bother you?  I know you said you’re attracted to men, but as my doctor explained, some people are attracted to the same sex but that does not mean the attraction is sexual in nature.  Mine is.  But I don’t _just_ want sex.  I want someone that accepts me and can love me, flaws and all.  I am disabled, I will always be disabled, and there are days when I can’t even leave the house.  I need someone that understands that and wants me anyway.”  Cas had settled on his knees, his butt resting back on his heels as he talked in earnest, and Dean was helpless not to listen.  It had always been that way between them.  Cas could never just simply explain something.  The reasoning behind his thoughts had to be properly explained too.  Usually it was one of the things Dean loved about him, but right now, he was losing patience.  He wanted his friend to just get to the point already.

 

“Ok, I get that.  But you’re amazing, Cas.  Anyone that has a chance to win your heart, they’ll be the luckiest bastard in the world.”

 

Cas gave him another of his beautiful, bright smiles.

 

“Yeah?  Is that really what you think of me?”

 

Dean could feel the tips of his ears burning but since he’d stepped into that dog pile, he might as well not try to back out of it.

 

“Well, yeah.  I don’t see how you couldn’t.”

 

“Oh, oh, that’s what I wanted to hear because in all of my thinking, and all of my self-reflection there was only one person I ever saw myself really being with, and that was you.”

 

“I’m… _what?”_ Dean gaped for a moment, uncertain he’d heard Cas correctly.  “You see yourself with me?”

 

Cas’ smile wavered slightly.  “Yes?”

 

“Fuck, Cas…”  Dean swallowed hard as he crawled across the bed and pulled the man into his arms. 

 

“Are you alright, Dean?”  Cas wasn’t thrilled with most people touching him but he’d never shied away from Dean.  He wrapped his arms around the younger man and held him tight.

 

“I’m better than ok, Cas.  I’ve been in love with you for years now.”

 

“You have?  Why didn’t you say anything?”  Cas asked.

 

“Cause I was afraid I’d lose you.  I love you so much I’d rather stay quiet and never have you the way I really wanted than to have you tell me to go away.”  Dean confessed.

 

Cas let himself be laid out the right way on the bed, with Dean pressed in close. 

 

“You make me happy, Dean.  I feel safe with you, and you don’t make me feel like I’m some kind of freak.  You don’t pity me or yell at me when I’m too sick to deal with society, but that’s not why I love you, Dean.”

 

Dean lifted his head up to look him in the eye.  “You do?”

 

“Of course I do.  At first, it was as a friend, but as I got older and the people we knew all started dating and getting into relationships, my thoughts kept coming back to you.  To your smile, your freckles, the exact shade of green that your eyes are, and just how incredibly kind and wonderful you are, with everyone, not just me.  You’re the most wonderful person I have ever known.  I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, but I’m glad that I did.”  Cas brushed the back of his hand down Dean’s cheek.  “I like the feeling of being in your arms.  I feel even             safer.”

 

“So all that talk earlier, you want all of that stuff with me?”  Dean was still rather shocked by that.

 

“Of course.  What about you?  Do you want those things too?  I’d be happy if you didn’t, as long as you just want to be with me.”  Cas’ blue eyes were wide and nervous, though not in the usual way.  This was a fear of rejection.  Dean slid a hand down to the other man’s ass and pulled him closer.

 

“Yes, I want those things too.  I held off on anything even remotely like that because they weren’t you.  So whenever you’re ready, I’ll be too, ok?”

 

Cas gave him a toothy grin that had him smiling too.

 

“You’re amazing, Dean.  Can the movie we go and see be our first date?  C-can I hold your hand there?”

 

Sometimes Dean just wanted to hold Cas close and pepper him with kisses for being so damn adorable.  How a man of nearly 6ft could manage to even pull that off, he had no idea, but Cas did. 

 

“You can hold my hand anytime you want, Cas.  And if you want to kiss me, you can.  We’ll work out the rest later.  I promise that I will never, ever make fun of you or tease you.  Ok?”

 

Cas nodded and Dean noticed the way his eyes flickered down to his lips more than once.

 

“I would like to kiss you now, is that ok?”

 

“Absolutely.”  Dean sighed when warm, chapped lips pressed against his own.  He’d dreamed about this for ages but there’d been no real hope that this could or would ever happen.  Now that it was, he didn’t want to jinx it by moving too fast.  They shared several slow lazy kisses before Cas grew a little bolder.  He flicked his tongue softly against Dean’s lips and the moment they parted, dove inside.  It wasn’t Dean’s first kiss but it was the most important of his life thus far.  More time was spent mapping one another’s mouths until someone knocked lightly at the door.  Cas flinched and jerked back but Dean understood.  It wasn’t a fear of being caught, it was the unexpected surprise of someone at his door.  He smiled apologetically at Dean as he slid off the bed to answer it.  It was Rachel, coming to find out if Dean was staying for dinner.  While Cas talked to his mother, Dean went over the conversation he’d had earlier with Cas again in his head.  This was the happiest he could ever remember being, save possibly for the day he had first met Cas.  Maybe the fates had played a part in bringing Cas into his life, but honestly, he didn’t care.  He had Cas now and he was never letting him go.

 

Cas closed the door and returned to the bed, smiling as he wiggled his way back into Dean’s arms. 

 

“So when we go to the movies on our date, can we get lunch at that little diner down on Main afterward?”  He asked.

 

“Sure.  I can even call ahead to make sure our table at the back is available.”  Dean kissed his forehead and hugged him tighter.  He knew how safe Cas felt in his arms, but what Cas didn’t know is that he felt safest when he had Cas in them too.  This was his happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are always welcome. And thank you for your patience with me!
> 
>  **Day 10 Prompt:** Watching the Other Sleep


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